How it All Feels

It's late, but I can't sleep and have been thinking of all of you. I read the blog from the beginning (which I have not done yet) and have become filled with emotions that I thought were gone.

As I read through this I felt so blessed and humbled by all the love and support; friends/teachers from high school, very cool. However, I realized that a part of this story is missing. As much as I post I haven't really told my story of being in the hospital.

So what was it like? How does it all feel? There is so much of the beginning that I have no recollection of (dialysis, bleeds, etc.) so I will start with the first thing I remember.

Even though my eyes were closed, I could always tell when someone special was close to me as I always felt warmth around my body. I could feel hands on my hands but never knew what was really going on. My first real memory of "coming to" was seeing my mom at the end of my bed smiling. Nick was, of course, by my side. I remember preparing for surgery and having my dad tell the doctors "she understands" as the doctors weren't so sure.

The ventilator was one of the hardest things I had to do. I was working so hard to fight for my life but this was a period of real doubt. I knew that my life was in serious question and the ability to push myself played a huge role. I have told my loved ones this, but there was a moment that I laid in my bed, so tired and frustrated, that I almost let go. It was so hard to breathe. I had to literally talk to myself and say, one more breath. During this time I had a very personal experience which lead me to understand that I could go to the other side but it wasn't my time. So, I chose to breath as hard as I could and pulled myself out of it.

Not being able to talk to the people that meant the most to me was so difficult. Nick tried so hard to figure out what I was saying ― as did everyone. I needed my husband so much but couldn't tell him.

Once this passed, it was time for surgery. I could see that my hands/feet were becoming necrotic but never considered the word "amputation". I remember thinking that there must be something else they could do but never felt scared ― only a sense of peace that it would be alright. The day of my surgery, April 25, 2007, I was in good spirits and just remember telling the nurses that it would all be okay ― and it was.

The most painful part was taking grafts from my thighs ― OUCH. The layer of skin is so close to nerves that the pain was just unbearable. However, this is where I learned the art of pain pills. :)

After surgery, Nick and I shared some really special moments and started talking about how we were going to do this. As with my parents and family, it was really hard seeing them watch me knowing how hard it was for them. My family was so solid and was good at getting me to fall asleep while mom and Martha would sneak in a Sprite. Not eating for weeks was a real downer.

It wasn't until I tried to use my hands or felt like walking, that I felt like an amputee. My mind was always in another place. Denial, maybe? Whatever the case, it kept a smile on my face.

I did have a day (or two) that I had a great deal of anger. I had so much done to me, so many scars, and absolutely NO control. I was trying to regain some sort of control and it was very hard.

Deep down in my heart I was talking to myself about rehabilitation. I knew that if I could get well enough to get to rehab I would be okay. I could get back into exercising and build up my strength. I had such great people around me that kept me going.

Fast forward to leaving rehab and coming home. I had been in a protected environment for so long that I was a little apprehensive. My first experience was going to McDonald's with my dad and I received a few looks. All I could think of was how it was making my dad feel. It's strange how you start to think of everyone but yourself.

Coming home was really scary ― for everyone. So much was unknown and I still had not mastered so many things. My entire life and how Nick and I used to do things had completely changed.

Do I get scared? Sure. Do I get sad, frustrated, or mad? Of course. But what I never give up on is the belief that we are all here for a purpose ― regardless of what we look like. I didn't plan on this but somewhere along my journey in this life a spiritual guide asked me to take a different path. All I can do at this point is embrace it and allow this path to guide me.

I don't ask "why me". I just ask for guidance through tomorrow and to give me the power to help others. Pay it forward ― I have days that I feel normal and days I feel challenged but it's never about "why". Too many special things have come into my life since March 23rd ― it's just the beginning.

Thank you all for giving me the memories and comments to reflect on. It means so much to me! Goodnight.

Love,
Jen

One Year Later

My husband and I just celebrated our 1st year of marriage on Sunday. I feel like we need to be in counseling for "how not to take on so much in the first year", ha! It was a real treat to realize what we have been through and to think how lucky we feel to be together. Never underestimate the power of strength and love in the bad times. There is always a rainbow on the other side.

I dropped my cell phone today getting out of my car. Big deal? In the scope of things no, however, I tried to pick it up (after it was in pieces) and realized that I couldn't. It was early in the morning and I only had a 1/2 cup of coffee so, I decided to cry. All was better after my friend saved and helped me. :)

As the day went on I snapped out of it, drank more coffee, and found things to laugh about. What this made me realize was that we all need to let go of the things that we think are so important but really aren't. Life is too short. Don't get discouraged or upset about things that really don't add value. Only take to heart things or people that you respect or have a real connection to.

Our emotions and understanding will be so much better for our heart. Keep up the good work for paying it forward. Something special is out there for someone. My aunt did a great thing and it really made me smile.

Love,
Jen

Jen's Challenge

Thank you for all of the comments from the past two posts. It feels great to have so many people tell me to keep going. :) For all the people who have just "stumbled" onto the blog, thanks for stumbling. I hope to make this a regular spot for you. And for the 2nd grader who posted (at 10:52 on a school night by the way), I love caramel popcorn, just let me know when and where and I'll be there. :)

Betty from Louisiana. Where have you been? I hope your journey is getting better for you!

So what is new with me? Nick and I woke up this morning to 10+ pink flamingos in our yard. It is in support of my step son's school fund raiser. We now have to pass these on to someone else. It was a great and funny way to start the day. As this is somewhat of a slow week for me, I thought I'd put you all to a challenge.

As I have experiences everyday (questions, figuring out how to pick something up, understanding what "wheelchair accessible" really means, etc.), I want you all to find something over the next few days that you can pass on to the next person. Pay it forward. Find someone that may need help getting through a door, may need a hug, may need a few extra dollars, may need a ride, or whatever else!

Then, post your experience and watch what happens. If you don't post you may miss out.

Love,
Jen

The Bloggin' Continues!

The blog is here to stay unless you tell me otherwise. :) Always feel free to ask me questions, let me know what you want to hear and to use this as a way to get to know me in a way that I may not have shared.

I went to OKC this week with mom and have my "official" legs. They now have skin on them and toe nails waiting to be painted. Any suggestions on colors? It's amazing what they can do with veins, freckles, hair, etc. just amazing.

For those of you that are not aware, I am in the process of getting a service dog ― very cool. I can thankfully do quite a bit; however, who wouldn't want a dog to do your laundry, take off your shoes or pick up anything that you may drop? It will take approximately one year to train the dog, and because of this, several people are donating time to help the training process ― people I don't even know. This is so special.

So, I had lunch with these wonderful people this week which really warmed my heart. I can't wait to have lunch with you all again soon. Thank you!

I will write early in the week from now on. I hope you all have a wonderful weekend.

Love,
Jen

Full of Hot Air, Question

Wow! I had such an awesome experience this weekend, of which, I encourage everyone to do at least once in your life.

I had the opportunity to ride in a hot air balloon on Saturday (with about 50 other balloons) with my great hubby. It was such a beautiful and peaceful ride; we were up for about 45 minutes. I was able to balance myself for almost 3/4 of the ride. My mom and the gang was able to stand below us for a great view.

I have been sky diving before and feel that that my next adventure is a combination of the two, ha! We shall see.

We also celebrated my youngest brother's 23rd birthday. He flew in on a break from KU and we had a really fun time. I hope you all get to meet him as he will give you a new perspective on life.

I have a question for all of you. This blog has been going for months and I have loved every minute of it. However, I would really enjoy feedback regarding whether or not this is something I should continue or suggestions of what direction I should take this.

Please give me your input! :)

Love,
Jen