So I was going to tell you a few Halloween jokes. But, as I got to really reading them I realized that they are all pretty bad. Anyone have any good jokes? I had few Bush jokes but didn't want to get into politics on a day like this. :)
Since my last post, I have had a few new experiences while meeting new people. I do feel blessed to wake up everyday with the feeling of support. I honestly don't know what it would be like if I didn't have that. Because I have so much support, I have developed a communication with friends that really has helped me to grow.
That being said, I wanted to share with you, a common question that I get. Last night I was at dinner with a friend and the waitress kept glancing at my hands, as if thinking "how is she going to eat". My friends ask me if things like that bother me. I know I have touched on this before, but it all comes from within. I am human, so of course I have moments.
The thing that I have built strength on (besides family, love and support) is that I am still the same person I always have been, I just have a "story" now. This is who I am and I don't have a choice to not figure things out. I feel proud, at times, that I have fought so hard to stay alive and get to where I am today. We never know what someone has gone through or where they are going. I know and understand why people want to look. It's human nature and its the psychology of who we are.
However, if we choose to focus on the looks then it will bring you down. I have more important things to focus on during my day than a 30 second glance. Just remember that we all have a story and we can pay it forward emotionally as well. Things you do or say can really affect the next person because we don't know there story. Take time with people before we judge.
Have a great day, have fun with the kiddos, eat lots of candy and wear a costume it's good for the soul.
By the way, I am considering going as an amputee with my "Vote for Pedro" shirt. What do you think? :)
Love,
Jen
Wednesday
Thursday
Strength in Determination
How did the pilates go, you ask? Great. I'm feeling like my ability to do more physical activity is finally getting back to where it used to be. Nick and I also worked out together at the gym. I'm going to be doing pilates and going to the gym wih Nick. Being around people that are so motivating with being healthy is such an awesome mind set.
However, I do have a funny story. Riding a bike for me is somewhat different than it is for you. My ankle is not flexible. So, when I peddle it is one flat movement. It is easier for me if the bike is set up with the peddles out in the front vs. a regular bike with the peddle right below you. That being said, Nick and I were trying to get me on a bike that was pretty hard to ride (peddle was below). I finally got on and it was a complete debacle. I couldn't stay on for very long as I couldn't keep my feet in the peddle. For what ever reason, we looked at each other at the same time and just laughed. I looked so out of sorts but I tried. I got off and just acted as if it was the bikes problem not me, ha!
So, I tried and realized that this one thing is going to be a bit more difficult but in time I will be on the road again!
You have also asked about the dog. This started several months ago with a special person who decided to take this on as a way to help me and my family. For those who aren't aware, getting a service dog takes anywhere between 9-12 months. It also takes a minimum of 3 months to even know whether or not a dog will work as a service dog (the % of dogs that actually make it is very small). The dogs actually choose you to an extent. The more time I spend with them, the easier it is to develop a relationship and see how they respond. The dogs are all trained to do a ton of things, regardless of your needs. Then, they will customize the training to your specific needs. As there really is so much I can do on my own , this is just an extra special treat to help me in those times that I do need help. Dogs will always make you smile. Thanks to everyone who is putting time into this project and for giving my family and I something to make our world even brighter! :)
The weather has been chilly here which is such a great atmosphere for reading. When I find a moment, I read (catching my mom's pastime). I have read something that I have been pondering and I want you all to think about it.
We are all trying to realize our personal legend or path, right? Then pay attention to what should be a coincidence vs. an omen or a "sign". Some don't believe in coincidence and I think I'm on the fence. Not to make this about me, but I wanted to give you some examples and then you apply it to your life.
What my family and I have gone through has been very emotionally charged and traumatic. However, the relationships that were developed in the waiting room (a lot) are ones that I and others will treasure forever. I have reconnected with great friends, is this a coincidence or god's plan? Nick was asked to be a part of Bentree at a time that it really mattered. The support we have received from them has been amazing and a great deal of the support had never met me. Coincidence or God's plan? I have gained a confidence in areas I never had before. Coincidence orGod's plan? Being a private person by nature, I have had to accept my situation (from a privacy perspective) as it's not something I can hide. This has made me able to open up in areas that were hard before. I have had the chance to be with family and friends and really laugh. These laughs were so needed and I know deep down these were guided laughs by the need to be in the big picture of life.
The experiences I have had and the people that are coming into our life has to truly be an omen. This has changed me in so many ways. If you really take a step back from yourself and look at the big picture, you can still take a deep breath and smile. There truly is a reason, always. :)
My thought for you is this: embrace the coincidences or omens and let them guide you. Whatever your thoughts are on this, if you think the best and believe in the fact that "this is where you should be", things will happen.
Have a great day!
Love,
Jen
However, I do have a funny story. Riding a bike for me is somewhat different than it is for you. My ankle is not flexible. So, when I peddle it is one flat movement. It is easier for me if the bike is set up with the peddles out in the front vs. a regular bike with the peddle right below you. That being said, Nick and I were trying to get me on a bike that was pretty hard to ride (peddle was below). I finally got on and it was a complete debacle. I couldn't stay on for very long as I couldn't keep my feet in the peddle. For what ever reason, we looked at each other at the same time and just laughed. I looked so out of sorts but I tried. I got off and just acted as if it was the bikes problem not me, ha!
So, I tried and realized that this one thing is going to be a bit more difficult but in time I will be on the road again!
You have also asked about the dog. This started several months ago with a special person who decided to take this on as a way to help me and my family. For those who aren't aware, getting a service dog takes anywhere between 9-12 months. It also takes a minimum of 3 months to even know whether or not a dog will work as a service dog (the % of dogs that actually make it is very small). The dogs actually choose you to an extent. The more time I spend with them, the easier it is to develop a relationship and see how they respond. The dogs are all trained to do a ton of things, regardless of your needs. Then, they will customize the training to your specific needs. As there really is so much I can do on my own , this is just an extra special treat to help me in those times that I do need help. Dogs will always make you smile. Thanks to everyone who is putting time into this project and for giving my family and I something to make our world even brighter! :)
The weather has been chilly here which is such a great atmosphere for reading. When I find a moment, I read (catching my mom's pastime). I have read something that I have been pondering and I want you all to think about it.
We are all trying to realize our personal legend or path, right? Then pay attention to what should be a coincidence vs. an omen or a "sign". Some don't believe in coincidence and I think I'm on the fence. Not to make this about me, but I wanted to give you some examples and then you apply it to your life.
What my family and I have gone through has been very emotionally charged and traumatic. However, the relationships that were developed in the waiting room (a lot) are ones that I and others will treasure forever. I have reconnected with great friends, is this a coincidence or god's plan? Nick was asked to be a part of Bentree at a time that it really mattered. The support we have received from them has been amazing and a great deal of the support had never met me. Coincidence or God's plan? I have gained a confidence in areas I never had before. Coincidence orGod's plan? Being a private person by nature, I have had to accept my situation (from a privacy perspective) as it's not something I can hide. This has made me able to open up in areas that were hard before. I have had the chance to be with family and friends and really laugh. These laughs were so needed and I know deep down these were guided laughs by the need to be in the big picture of life.
The experiences I have had and the people that are coming into our life has to truly be an omen. This has changed me in so many ways. If you really take a step back from yourself and look at the big picture, you can still take a deep breath and smile. There truly is a reason, always. :)
My thought for you is this: embrace the coincidences or omens and let them guide you. Whatever your thoughts are on this, if you think the best and believe in the fact that "this is where you should be", things will happen.
Have a great day!
Love,
Jen
Sunday
Bend it Like Griffin
Bend what? :) As most of you know, before I got sick I really enjoyed riding my bike and doing yoga (योग). I have really missed both but am trying to find a way to get a bike set up. However, in the mean time, good ol' Walt has gotten me in touch with a pilates instructor and I start tomorrow. I am really excited.
Again, bend what? I'm not sure how this will work but I will definitely make sure Fred is securely fastened! Just getting back in this environment is going to be good for me. I am going to have a few classes and see where this takes me. :)
I am also looking into swimming again. A few mornings a week would be so good for the soul. We shall see, I'll keep you posted on this one.
Also, I am going with Ann (Walt's wife) tomorrow to the place that is working on my service dog. I'm really looking forward to seeing all the dogs. Hopefully I will have a dog soon. They are all so amazing.
I hope you all had a great weekend. I had a really great weekend with friends and family.
Love,
Jen
Again, bend what? I'm not sure how this will work but I will definitely make sure Fred is securely fastened! Just getting back in this environment is going to be good for me. I am going to have a few classes and see where this takes me. :)
I am also looking into swimming again. A few mornings a week would be so good for the soul. We shall see, I'll keep you posted on this one.
Also, I am going with Ann (Walt's wife) tomorrow to the place that is working on my service dog. I'm really looking forward to seeing all the dogs. Hopefully I will have a dog soon. They are all so amazing.
I hope you all had a great weekend. I had a really great weekend with friends and family.
Love,
Jen
Wednesday
Unidentified Flying Leg; Book Suggestion
Okay, whoever made the comment about the fact that I needed to make a new post: thank you. There is nothing better than being told how it is or how it should be. :)
My previous post was very therapeutic for me and I will be sharing more with you soon. I feel as though I have been given a venue to create smiles and warmth and that is the best feeling.
I am switching gears this week to a really funny story. However, before I give up the goods, I want to share a bit of something that got me through the situation I am about to share.
While I was in rehabilitation I was given the best book by a great friend Taylor Hess. The book is The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho. If you haven't read this, you must add this to your list of things to do before you die.
There is a part of the book that goes like this "the soul of the world is nourished by people's happiness. And also by unhappiness, envy, and jealousy. To realize one's destiny is a person's only real obligation. All things are one. When you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it."
So, how does this relate to my story? Let me first start by saying that in my situation there are always moments of feeling like saying "oops, I really hope nobody saw that". Ha! That being said, a few weeks ago I was at my husbands work for lunch. I didn't have my leg on properly and was very aware of it. After lunch Matthew and I walked out to get the car and talked with the valet for a bit. As I pulled up my leg to get into the car, the prosthetic (Fred) slid straight off my leg, hit the ground and then, of course, tipped over.
Wow. I wouldn't advise trying this at home. Great party trick but this was the worst possible place ever. I tried so hard to play this off but what do you say? The valet looked at me, I looked at her and started laughing (I tend to laugh at the worst times!). I said "well, this is embarrassing. Do you mind handing me my leg?" Haha! She was really sweet about it and now she has a story. We got it all worked out and had a good laugh.
However, the phrase from the book above really stuck with me. As embarrassing as it was, my soul was actually in a great place. The energy was light and lent itself to a very warm and funny environment.
Laughing at ourselves and understanding the art of loving ourselves, will create a universe where we will be able to know our true destiny.
Laugh a lot these next few days. I'll even let you borrow Fred or Ginger if you need it .:)
Love,
Jen
My previous post was very therapeutic for me and I will be sharing more with you soon. I feel as though I have been given a venue to create smiles and warmth and that is the best feeling.
I am switching gears this week to a really funny story. However, before I give up the goods, I want to share a bit of something that got me through the situation I am about to share.
While I was in rehabilitation I was given the best book by a great friend Taylor Hess. The book is The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho. If you haven't read this, you must add this to your list of things to do before you die.
There is a part of the book that goes like this "the soul of the world is nourished by people's happiness. And also by unhappiness, envy, and jealousy. To realize one's destiny is a person's only real obligation. All things are one. When you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it."
So, how does this relate to my story? Let me first start by saying that in my situation there are always moments of feeling like saying "oops, I really hope nobody saw that". Ha! That being said, a few weeks ago I was at my husbands work for lunch. I didn't have my leg on properly and was very aware of it. After lunch Matthew and I walked out to get the car and talked with the valet for a bit. As I pulled up my leg to get into the car, the prosthetic (Fred) slid straight off my leg, hit the ground and then, of course, tipped over.
Wow. I wouldn't advise trying this at home. Great party trick but this was the worst possible place ever. I tried so hard to play this off but what do you say? The valet looked at me, I looked at her and started laughing (I tend to laugh at the worst times!). I said "well, this is embarrassing. Do you mind handing me my leg?" Haha! She was really sweet about it and now she has a story. We got it all worked out and had a good laugh.
However, the phrase from the book above really stuck with me. As embarrassing as it was, my soul was actually in a great place. The energy was light and lent itself to a very warm and funny environment.
Laughing at ourselves and understanding the art of loving ourselves, will create a universe where we will be able to know our true destiny.
Laugh a lot these next few days. I'll even let you borrow Fred or Ginger if you need it .:)
Love,
Jen
Thursday
How it All Feels
It's late, but I can't sleep and have been thinking of all of you. I read the blog from the beginning (which I have not done yet) and have become filled with emotions that I thought were gone.
As I read through this I felt so blessed and humbled by all the love and support; friends/teachers from high school, very cool. However, I realized that a part of this story is missing. As much as I post I haven't really told my story of being in the hospital.
So what was it like? How does it all feel? There is so much of the beginning that I have no recollection of (dialysis, bleeds, etc.) so I will start with the first thing I remember.
Even though my eyes were closed, I could always tell when someone special was close to me as I always felt warmth around my body. I could feel hands on my hands but never knew what was really going on. My first real memory of "coming to" was seeing my mom at the end of my bed smiling. Nick was, of course, by my side. I remember preparing for surgery and having my dad tell the doctors "she understands" as the doctors weren't so sure.
The ventilator was one of the hardest things I had to do. I was working so hard to fight for my life but this was a period of real doubt. I knew that my life was in serious question and the ability to push myself played a huge role. I have told my loved ones this, but there was a moment that I laid in my bed, so tired and frustrated, that I almost let go. It was so hard to breathe. I had to literally talk to myself and say, one more breath. During this time I had a very personal experience which lead me to understand that I could go to the other side but it wasn't my time. So, I chose to breath as hard as I could and pulled myself out of it.
Not being able to talk to the people that meant the most to me was so difficult. Nick tried so hard to figure out what I was saying ― as did everyone. I needed my husband so much but couldn't tell him.
Once this passed, it was time for surgery. I could see that my hands/feet were becoming necrotic but never considered the word "amputation". I remember thinking that there must be something else they could do but never felt scared ― only a sense of peace that it would be alright. The day of my surgery, April 25, 2007, I was in good spirits and just remember telling the nurses that it would all be okay ― and it was.
The most painful part was taking grafts from my thighs ― OUCH. The layer of skin is so close to nerves that the pain was just unbearable. However, this is where I learned the art of pain pills. :)
After surgery, Nick and I shared some really special moments and started talking about how we were going to do this. As with my parents and family, it was really hard seeing them watch me knowing how hard it was for them. My family was so solid and was good at getting me to fall asleep while mom and Martha would sneak in a Sprite. Not eating for weeks was a real downer.
It wasn't until I tried to use my hands or felt like walking, that I felt like an amputee. My mind was always in another place. Denial, maybe? Whatever the case, it kept a smile on my face.
I did have a day (or two) that I had a great deal of anger. I had so much done to me, so many scars, and absolutely NO control. I was trying to regain some sort of control and it was very hard.
Deep down in my heart I was talking to myself about rehabilitation. I knew that if I could get well enough to get to rehab I would be okay. I could get back into exercising and build up my strength. I had such great people around me that kept me going.
Fast forward to leaving rehab and coming home. I had been in a protected environment for so long that I was a little apprehensive. My first experience was going to McDonald's with my dad and I received a few looks. All I could think of was how it was making my dad feel. It's strange how you start to think of everyone but yourself.
Coming home was really scary ― for everyone. So much was unknown and I still had not mastered so many things. My entire life and how Nick and I used to do things had completely changed.
Do I get scared? Sure. Do I get sad, frustrated, or mad? Of course. But what I never give up on is the belief that we are all here for a purpose ― regardless of what we look like. I didn't plan on this but somewhere along my journey in this life a spiritual guide asked me to take a different path. All I can do at this point is embrace it and allow this path to guide me.
I don't ask "why me". I just ask for guidance through tomorrow and to give me the power to help others. Pay it forward ― I have days that I feel normal and days I feel challenged but it's never about "why". Too many special things have come into my life since March 23rd ― it's just the beginning.
Thank you all for giving me the memories and comments to reflect on. It means so much to me! Goodnight.
Love,
Jen
As I read through this I felt so blessed and humbled by all the love and support; friends/teachers from high school, very cool. However, I realized that a part of this story is missing. As much as I post I haven't really told my story of being in the hospital.
So what was it like? How does it all feel? There is so much of the beginning that I have no recollection of (dialysis, bleeds, etc.) so I will start with the first thing I remember.
Even though my eyes were closed, I could always tell when someone special was close to me as I always felt warmth around my body. I could feel hands on my hands but never knew what was really going on. My first real memory of "coming to" was seeing my mom at the end of my bed smiling. Nick was, of course, by my side. I remember preparing for surgery and having my dad tell the doctors "she understands" as the doctors weren't so sure.
The ventilator was one of the hardest things I had to do. I was working so hard to fight for my life but this was a period of real doubt. I knew that my life was in serious question and the ability to push myself played a huge role. I have told my loved ones this, but there was a moment that I laid in my bed, so tired and frustrated, that I almost let go. It was so hard to breathe. I had to literally talk to myself and say, one more breath. During this time I had a very personal experience which lead me to understand that I could go to the other side but it wasn't my time. So, I chose to breath as hard as I could and pulled myself out of it.
Not being able to talk to the people that meant the most to me was so difficult. Nick tried so hard to figure out what I was saying ― as did everyone. I needed my husband so much but couldn't tell him.
Once this passed, it was time for surgery. I could see that my hands/feet were becoming necrotic but never considered the word "amputation". I remember thinking that there must be something else they could do but never felt scared ― only a sense of peace that it would be alright. The day of my surgery, April 25, 2007, I was in good spirits and just remember telling the nurses that it would all be okay ― and it was.
The most painful part was taking grafts from my thighs ― OUCH. The layer of skin is so close to nerves that the pain was just unbearable. However, this is where I learned the art of pain pills. :)
After surgery, Nick and I shared some really special moments and started talking about how we were going to do this. As with my parents and family, it was really hard seeing them watch me knowing how hard it was for them. My family was so solid and was good at getting me to fall asleep while mom and Martha would sneak in a Sprite. Not eating for weeks was a real downer.
It wasn't until I tried to use my hands or felt like walking, that I felt like an amputee. My mind was always in another place. Denial, maybe? Whatever the case, it kept a smile on my face.
I did have a day (or two) that I had a great deal of anger. I had so much done to me, so many scars, and absolutely NO control. I was trying to regain some sort of control and it was very hard.
Deep down in my heart I was talking to myself about rehabilitation. I knew that if I could get well enough to get to rehab I would be okay. I could get back into exercising and build up my strength. I had such great people around me that kept me going.
Fast forward to leaving rehab and coming home. I had been in a protected environment for so long that I was a little apprehensive. My first experience was going to McDonald's with my dad and I received a few looks. All I could think of was how it was making my dad feel. It's strange how you start to think of everyone but yourself.
Coming home was really scary ― for everyone. So much was unknown and I still had not mastered so many things. My entire life and how Nick and I used to do things had completely changed.
Do I get scared? Sure. Do I get sad, frustrated, or mad? Of course. But what I never give up on is the belief that we are all here for a purpose ― regardless of what we look like. I didn't plan on this but somewhere along my journey in this life a spiritual guide asked me to take a different path. All I can do at this point is embrace it and allow this path to guide me.
I don't ask "why me". I just ask for guidance through tomorrow and to give me the power to help others. Pay it forward ― I have days that I feel normal and days I feel challenged but it's never about "why". Too many special things have come into my life since March 23rd ― it's just the beginning.
Thank you all for giving me the memories and comments to reflect on. It means so much to me! Goodnight.
Love,
Jen
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